Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Whatev

"I hate to say it but they play this dance song in every club
But it's me so I'll show love
But it's me so show me love

When I walk into the room people stop and stare
It's like nobody else is there
You know it's me not you
Who said anything about you

Boys and girls pretend to know me, they try so hard
And I get what I want, my name is my credit card
Don't try to hate me because I am so popular..

Pop, pop, popular! Pop, pop, popular!

Most guys I dated got intimidated
So now I date up
If you know what it means so they shut up
If you know what it means so just shut up..."

The Veronicas - 'Popular'


I have something to confess. I'm a bitch. This may come as a shock to some of you, but it is true. I say mean things for no apparent reason all the time, I do things just to piss people off, and in a really sick masochistic way, I kind of like the negative attention I get from being a bitch.

I realized tonight that people that don't really know me, ie most of the world, probably sees me as some uncontrollable, evil, annoying terror. And they're right. I'm the most annoying person I've ever heard of. If I met myself, I'd slap myself. I honestly don't know why people even put up with me, because I definitely wouldn't.

Why do people put up with me?

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess I want to make it clear that I don't care. I don't care that I'm a bitch. I don't care that I make people mad. I don't care that I'm probably the weirdest person you'll ever meet. I don't care that I'm a loser. I know I'm a loser. I know I'm a bitch. I know I'm probably the weirdest person you'll ever meet.

I don't really know why I act this way. Maybe its because I was made fun of in elementary school. Maybe it was because of my Zodiac sign. Maybe I need some more medication. I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm not nearly as smart as people tell me I am. I'm not anything that people tell me I am. All I am is someone who spends too much time dwelling on my mistakes and too little time being a good person.

I say the worst thing at the worst time. Saying the pledge of allegiance makes me feel stupid. I go to a church whose beliefs I don't share. I always laugh at something a second too early. I have no self control. I don't speak my mind. I'm too afraid to say no. I make mistakes and don't even try to correct them. I feel like I have to be perfect. I'm insane. I can't let go of anything. I'm a hypocrite. I don't want to live up to other peoples' expectations, I want to do what makes me happy. I'm self centered. I'm conceited. I hate myself sometimes, but I'm too lazy to do anything to change.

I am more like her than I ever thought possible.
I am all 7 sins in one neat little package.
I am stupid, I am mean, I am pathetic.
I am unworthy of the things I have.
I am starting to hate everything.
I cry for nothing of importance.
I am unworthy of what I want.
I am not different or special.
I am losing grip on reality.
I never know what to say.
I don't know who I am.
I love too easily.
I hate too much.
I lie often.
I am angry.
I am me.


Whoa. How do you like that, Malibu Barbie on Crack??

I need to go write something productive now.

3 comments:

Rexpennae said...

Thanks for writing this, it depressed me, or made me contpressed(My word, check out my new blog, thoughtsofkansas.blogspot.com for a definition.) enough to write the dialouge at the end of the second section of my chapter I posted tonight.

Why do people put up with you, that's a question you'll need to ask yourself, looking at the people in question. I'm sure you are much different than you percieve yourself, more than what you wrote tonight, but how would the people you know, your friends, like you, treat you, if you were anything but what you are. There is a reason you are you, and you need to find it.
I'm rambling now, I'm tired, so I will leave you for now,

Kansas

Kayy said...

I agree with Kansas. Youre not really all that. some yes, i will not lie, but its just YOU. i think its all good in mr. rodgers neighborhood (my new saying lol).
well g2g

~Kayy

Cookies!!!! said...

Today was the best english class i na long time! Krebs couldnt talk! Speed got killed! And we spent half the time talking about how to shank someone!

(and on a funny note, the words it wants me to type in to complete my message are "Shwpusc" show.....wow....)

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